


And Did You Know How Much I Love You?

by sovereign thunder (old_gods_of_asgard)



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Angst, Canon Typical Violence, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, non-canon relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-20
Updated: 2013-09-23
Packaged: 2017-12-24 02:11:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/933950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/old_gods_of_asgard/pseuds/sovereign%20thunder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From a kink meme prompt:</p><p>Before Raleigh vanishes after the disaster that was the Knifehead encounter, he sneaks up to LOCCENT in the middle of the night, when it's manned only by a skeleton crew, and leaves his dog tags on Tendo's console, along with a note that reads, "Take care of them for me while I'm gone."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. love dust in the hands of shame

**Author's Note:**

> Full prompt:
> 
> "Before Raleigh vanishes after the disaster that was the Knifehead encounter, he sneaks up to LOCCENT in the middle of the night, when it's manned only by a skeleton crew, and leaves his dog tags on Tendo's console, along with a note that reads, "Take care of them for me while I'm gone."
> 
> For the next five years, Tendo either wears them around his neck and tucked under his shirt or wrapped around his wrist with his rosary. For the next five years, those tags do not leave his person. They are the best reminders he has that, even as the Jaegar program hemorrhages jaegars and pilots and years, those tags do not leave his person. They are the best reminders he has that, even as the Jaegar program hemorrhages jaegars and pilots and funding and political support, there's still some hope, somewhere. (And, he quietly admits to himself in the dead of night, that his favorite pilot is coming back.) Tendo doesn't let go of those tags until he's overlooking the resurrected Gipsy Danger and hugging the life out of Raleigh."
> 
> This one...well, got a little bit away. And I'm kind of, as usual, worried that I mucked it up. I'm good at angst, I guess, so I decided to go a little angsty with it. Don't worry, this won't interfere with my other story.

Mako stares Raleigh Becket down, and tries not to huff in annoyance. She tries to remember what Tendo had asked, tries to remember not to be rude, but it’s hard. She’d seen his pictures and read his dossier (and Tendo’s journals, and the letters he’d left behind, all those stupid little love letters) and pictured someone _heroic_. When the tech had stayed up all those nights and told her stories about The Becket Boys, those brave young soldiers with indomitable spirits and handsome faces…well, maybe that was her fault. Mako had seen a strong-jawed blonde with good shoulders and beautiful eyes. What the Marshall had brought her was a slumped, dirty mess wearing rugs.

Yeah. Mako wasn’t impressed. She said as much. And Raleigh countered, because _of fucking course he would_ – hadn’t Tendo said as much? The hotshot with a smart mouth. She gave him a bullshit excuse, because she didn’t owe him anything, and he gave her a polite nod in return. _Trying too hard_ , she thought, or maybe it was her; maybe she was trying too hard to hate him. It was possible. Tendo was a brother to her. Mako had lost too many family members as it was. She wasn’t about to let this idiot wreck all the progress Tendo had made since he’d abandoned him.

Because that’s what he’d done. Tendo could spin it anyway that he wanted, but Raleigh had _fucking abandoned_ him, and Mako wasn’t going to act coy and smile at him because of that. She still _really_ despised being taken off the potential co-pilot candidate list. Sure, she wanted her revenge, but she also wanted Raleigh to feel how much she wanted to punch him in his stupidly handsome jaw. Standing there in the rain, listening to the Marshall tell him something important, Mako made a mental note: if Raleigh made Tendo cry, at all, over anything, she would punch him in the throat.

 --

Tendo was lying if he said Stacker’s decision didn’t hurt. Five years were wasted hoping, every day, that that stupid Ranger would just _come back to him_. Did he think Tendo wasn’t broken up over Yancy’s death? Was it that easy for him to forget that Tendo lost someone important, too? Raleigh had told him the night before he took off, that Yancy was still in his head when he died. He’d felt himself die when his brother died. Tendo couldn’t fault him for being deeply disturbed by it, but god _damn_ if it didn’t crush him to drag himself into LOCCENT that morning and find Raleigh’s tags on his console and his Gipsy Danger jacket on his chair.

He kept his mouth shut about it around Mako, because Mako had the tendency to let her imagination run wild. When she was younger he’d told her only the good parts – even though by the time Raleigh had run off, she was 17 and more than old enough to hear the bad. The last year…it hasn’t been so kind to him. He could chalk that up to anxiety, or up to his anxiety attacks bubbling back up, or a shitty relationship that he’d forced himself into because he was lonely. Mostly, he pins it on the impending end of the world, their sudden cut in pay, and his (ex?) boyfriend’s impending return.

Yeah, Tendo’s not particularly blessed. And he’s not exactly ready to find himself walking in on Raleigh, with Mako, admiring the newly-restored Gipsy Danger. Tendo was on his way out of the Dome when that happened, hoping to head into town and avoid Raleigh for a few more hours. He wasn’t so lucky, of course, because luck favored the already lucky. A mixture of fear and anger bubbles in his stomach, but he’s also never been particularly good at showing his anger, and he finds himself suddenly speaking.

“How do you like the ride, Becket boy?” Tendo wants to turn on heel and run before Raleigh can look around and see who was talking, but his legs don’t work. His mouth _is_ working, but definitely working _against_ him. “Solid iron hull, no alloys. Forty acres of blades muscle span and a new fluid synam system.”

Raleigh turns around like he’s heard death calling his name. “Tendo.”

The smile on the tech’s face is broken and miserable. Raleigh is still for a moment, and then he’s moving forward, pulling Tendo into his arms and kissing him deeply. Tendo’s angry again, suddenly; he wants to pull back, to slap Raleigh, hard. He wants to kiss him with his _fist_ , to make him feel all the agony Raleigh’s put him through over the past five years.

He doesn’t. He kisses him back, just as hard. Raleigh’s kiss is a cure and Tendo is a dying man, and damn if he doesn’t feel like he’s fucking himself over. Tendo lets Raleigh pull him till he’s on his tiptoes and relying on the younger man’s strength to keep him from collapsing under his own weight.

Raleigh pulls away after a little while, breathing uneven and eyes glassy. “Tendo,” he whispers again, and Tendo has to close his eyes because he can’t look at Raleigh. He feels like he’s being poisoned, and maybe like that wouldn’t be so bad.


	2. this is the way you left me, i'm not pretending.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If I pretend that nothing ever went wrong  
> I can get to my sleep  
> I can think that we just carried on.

Raleigh’s expecting anything when he sees Tendo. He’s expecting to be yelled at, expecting to be slapped or punched or kneed in the groin. The Ranger’s steeled himself for tears and hurt and harsh, totally justified words.

He is _not_ expecting Tendo to kiss him back when he does. In all honesty Raleigh isn’t even sure _why_ he kisses Tendo, just that he knows he needs to kiss him before any of the above happens. The past five years pour themselves into it and tie them together with their collective anguish and Raleigh’s suffocating guilt and misery. The kiss is passionate but Raleigh can taste every bit of malice that Tendo holds in it.

And then it’s over, and people are looking at them but Tendo isn’t looking at him. He stares at his hands like he wants to wipe his mouth and scrub away the kiss and while that hurts, Raleigh doesn’t blame him. He reaches up and takes Tendo’s hands into his own – to pull them down, to keep him grounded.

Raleigh wants to speak, but doesn’t. Tendo’s already pulled away when Mako steps up and clears her throat, saying, “I should show you to your room.” Raleigh just nods – he tries to reach for Tendo but his hand barely cooperates and the older man flinches when his fingers twitch, so he lets Miss Mori pull him back and along. There was no hiding it; Raleigh kept looking back at Tendo as he walked and begging for him to do something other than stare at his shoes.

 

And Tendo eventually _does_ do something other than stand there and stare at his shoes. It just...isn't what Tendo really thought he would be doing when Raleigh finally came back. For five years he'd kept a list of all the things he wanted to say and ways he wanted to hurt Raleigh, he repeated to himself how broken he was because of it. The Ranger haunted his sleep and haunted his relationships and made it impossible to cope or carry on.

Now that Raleigh had come back, though...well, it was difficult. _Different_ even, because Tendo found himself wondering if Raleigh’s had the same problems he had. His mind continuously traveled back to his most disastrous date: a night out with a guy named Justin. Everyone could see he was a headcase. _Tendo_ could see he was a headcase. But at that point, Justin was the only person seemingly willing to show him any kind of attraction that he just went with it, and wound up stumbling back onto base earlier than planned with bruised knuckles, a busted up mouth and scratches on his thighs where the fucker had tried to get one in. Tendo had sunk low, but he wasn't that low – not then, not ever. Raleigh had fucked him up and fucked him over but not enough to just take it from some bastard just because he had a ridiculously nice haircut.

Okay, so it was satisfactory to see Chuck take dude's head and ram him into the wall a couple of times. It felt so good seeing Mako kick him in the nuts and Stacker only intervene when she threatened him with a shallow grave. No matter how fucked up and broken he still had those two idiots and Stacker and Herc. Raleigh's great escape had stolen a _lot_ from him but it had yet to take his family.

Even with that on his mind, he still somehow ends up at Raleigh's door with aching knees and a rebellious mouth. He ends up letting himself in and waiting until Raleigh is out of the shower, taking time laying his jacket down and undoing his tie _just_ enough. The more Tendo tried to relax, the more inviting he knew he looked. It wasn't that he was here to proposition Raleigh by any means, because as weak as he felt around him he wasn't going to sink that low for **anyone** – a busted mouth had proved that much, after all – but he didn't want to turn this into a war.

Raleigh is still a little taken back to see Tendo sitting in the chair across from the bed when he steps out of the bathroom. He isn't wearing the same ridiculous getup he'd been in before, just jeans and a t-shirt now and – fuck, had he _always_ been that well-built? Keep it **together** , Choi – looking a little more like the Raleigh that Tendo had known.

The younger man says nothing as he sits down on the edge of the bed facing his old flame. He keeps his own posture as relaxed as he can, with his hands on the edge for balance and shoulders relaxed. Tendo, meanwhile, has lost all semblance of casual relaxation and was hunched forward in the seat with his elbows on his knees and his head tilted down.

“So,” Raleigh cleared his throat. “How've you...you know.”

The greeting dies down when Tendo shakes his head. “Don't give me that, you stupid fucker,” the tech huffed out as he squeezed his eyes shut. He has not waited through five years of guilt, panic and horrible people trying to sink him down for Raleigh to act like this, like nothing happened. God, Tendo wishes it was that fucking easy.

“How have I been?” God, had his voice always been so raw? Maybe it was just from breaking down. “How have I _been_? Fucked up, that's how I've been. I lost my best friend five fucking years ago, and then my boyfriend left me his jacket and jewelry and ran off like it was no big fucking deal.”

Raleigh's blank expression turns to a snarl and he grips the edge of the bed tightly. “That's not fair,” he growls. “That's not what fucking happened.”

“Then what the fuck was it, Raleigh?” **Don't** cry, **do not** _cry_. “What, you thought everyone else could move on easier without you here? You thought _I_ would be okay? Five fucking years, Raleigh, I was _alone_ for five fucking years. I had –” He _had_ a family, so it isn't like Tendo has suffered through it alone. That wasn't what crushed him. “I _wasn't_ anything.”

“Your world did not revolve around me.” And that bastard has the audacity to sound _offended_. Tendo wants to throw something at him. His hands found his head and without realizing it he’s started to dig his nails into his scalp. “I didn't HAVE anything left, you fucking scum sucking, selfish tit! What, you think because I had Stacker and Mako, you think that made everything peachy fucking keen? You think because you decided to fuck off back to I Hate Everythingsville that _other fucking people_ weren't fucked up? You left a lot of bad fucking blood in your wake. And then you just, you fucking roll up in here like you're the goddamn king, like your fucking throne was waiting, and you take –” Tendo’s voice catches in his throat, and Raleigh's hands are on Tendo's wrists and he's being pulled from the chair and into the other's lap. Raleigh wraps around him tight like a cocoon protecting him from the rest of the dome but didn't restrain him even when Tendo got angry and started to hit him. Knowing how the fucker is built now means Tendo realizes he was going to do more damage to himself than the younger man and that just made it _worse_ , he _gives up_ and just lays in Raleigh's arms and cried. With his hands over his face and that stupid, handsome man leaning over him and telling him it was okay, **urging** him to hit back, he felt so helpless and cornered.

But Tendo crumbles instead, and cries into Raleigh’s dumb shirt until he can’t tell who the drops of blood on his fingertips belong to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sick and this is crap, I apologize so profusely.


	3. but you won't find love in a, won't find love in a hole.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If we've both got the same diseases  
> It's irrelevant, girl
> 
> ...it takes more than fucking someone to keep yourself warm.

Tendo Choi is not the forgiving type. Aching for a person and being devastated that they’ve walked away is not the same thing as forgiveness, and as much as he wants to, he can’t find it in himself to succumb to the desire to forgive Raleigh for skipping out on him.

It isn’t easy for him to blame Raleigh; dude lost his **brother** , while Yancy was still inside his head. It couldn’t have been a fucking walk in the park for him. Tendo doesn’t think that he did it to hurt him, because Tendo isn’t stupid, but he can’t cope with the fact that even six months, a year, two years down the road, he got a big fat nothing from him. Your boyfriend walks out on you and leaves his dog tags and coat and some sappy ass love letter – oh, no, no, no. This is not a Nicholas Sparks novel, and Raleigh is not going to be welcomed back with open arms and tears of forgiveness. Tears don’t wash away ink, and they certainly don’t wash away five years of radio silence.

Chuck knows this, to the point that Chuck feels he knows it better than Mako or Herc or Stacker does. As far as the older chumps go, he probably does; Stacker’s never been affectionate to anyone but Mako or Tendo, but Tendo’s 33 and that makes him 13 years Mako’s senior and only 7 younger than Stacker. There wasn’t a whole lot the Marshall could do to protect the tech from bullshit. Herc…well, Herc was a stupid old man with his head up his ass. He wouldn’t talk to Chuck about anything, and that made it difficult to continue fighting together. Herc was also affectionate to Tendo and Mako, though in different ways; Mako was everyone’s little girl, and a bit spoiled (Chuck would never admit out loud to anyone that he himself was also a bit spoiled), and got special treatment for being a girl. Tendo was 12 years younger than Herc, and Herc saw anyone two years younger than himself, save the Marshall, as a “kid”, but he got no particular special treatment that Chuck could see. In the five years that Becket had been kicking squid off stainless steel borders, Herc had never coddled him, and Tendo probably appreciated that.

And Mako may be willing to play kiss-ass – giving him gooey, butterfly-shy looks all the time and biting back her usual snark – but Chuck isn’t. He lets Raleigh know straight up how he feels when the idiot sits at the same table as him one breakfast, leaning over and informing him, “After this is over, you should probably fuck off back to your Lego project.”

The table falls into a grumbling silence and Raleigh looks around, making a show even though he knows that Chuck was talking to him. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me,” Chuck doesn't mean to growl. Well, he does, he just growls deeper than he originally wanted to. “You ain't deaf, just stupid. He was stable before Stacker dragged your happy ass back here, he'll be fine once you drag yourself back to that salty rothole you call home.”

Raleigh leans forward over the table to face Chuck, and he speaks cruelly, but there's no malice in his eyes, which Chuck finds strange. “Why? You tryin' to fuck my boyfriend?”

“I don't want to fuck your _ex_ ,” Chuck doesn't back off at the threat of challenge. “You _abandoned him_ , you little shitdick. You don't get to roll up in here and play god. You don't deserve to be worshipped by every stupid little junkie welder in the place just because you know the trade and you're their big dumb fuckin' hero.”

Raleigh's cutlery clatters onto his tray and Chuck leans out of his reach to avoid being grabbed around the throat. It's a tricky gesture, and one he'd only ever use genuinely with his father (the therapist tells him that it's a display of beta tendencies toward an alpha male. Chuck tells her that it's a trick to make idiots think they have more power than they actually do. Herc's the exception).

Chuck knows it works because Raleigh turns redder than a ghost pepper but doesn't lunge across the table. Chuck's lost his appetite for slop and stands up, telling the older Ranger, “Keep your distance, buttercup,” in a sickly sweet voice before taking his leave. Raleigh doesn't follow, but Chuck convinces himself he can hear his blood rushing and he takes _so_ much joy out of that.

 

Tendo finds Chuck's antics far less amusing than he'd actually anticipated, and Chuck hadn't even been scoring him high in those ranks. He gives him a sour look and flicks his nose and says, “You're 22, you little shit. Start _acting_ like you're 22.”

“Not around him,” Chuck shakes his head. “No. Why? Have you forgiven him that quick?”

Tendo keeps his back to Chuck as he speaks, probably because it's easier to hide anger and embarrassment on his face. The tech wages a three-second internal battle with himself before giving out a weak, “No.”

“You can't-” The pity and hurt in Tendo's voice makes him want to tear his fucking hair out. “You can't be _serious._ After what he did...?”

Tendo turns to him just a little but keeps his focus on the ground, flatly informing him, “He did what he had to do,” and Chuck punches the console so hard Max whines and hides under it. “I don't expect you to understand that, Hansen, but-”

“No. No _buts_ , Choi, he fucking-seriously? He abandoned you! No calls, no emails, not a sniff of his scent for _five years_ and-”

It's Tendo's turn to get angry and he cries out, “He lost his BROTHER,” with so much rage that Chuck wants to hide under the console with Max. “He lost his brother, you stupid fuck! His partner! His _co pilot_ , hello? You know, that person you're kind of attached to at the fucking _brain_? Are you fucking retarded or something?”

That hurts a little bit, and Chuck feels 10 years old and three feet tall. “I'm sorry,” he keeps his gaze on his fidgeting fingers as he speaks, not exactly sure who he's supposed to be apologizing to anymore. Tendo's anger doesn't make him want to forgive Raleigh in the least, but it hurts hearing him so angry – so _broken_ – over someone who doesn't deserve the time of day. He supposes it'll make him angrier in a few hours, although for now he just lets Tendo scold him and doesn't have a smart ass retort when he's done. It's a first for Chuck, anyway.

When Tendo is done and Chuck's pride has been ripped a new one, he tries to slink out quietly and is caught by Mako right as Raleigh slips in. It's her arm on the inside of his elbow that keeps him from turning around and smacking the bastard's head against the door frame.

“I heard,” is all she says. Chuck doesn't need to know if she means at the breakfast table or just then because knowing her she probably means both. “You are too violent for your own good. You are too deep in your feelings.”

“I learned to let go of my feelings a long time ago.” Chuck can practically taste the bitterness in his own tone. “Don't tell me you're going soft on him, too.”

“I am not soft.” Her grip tightens and he winces. “I am not forgiving him.”

“You're just trying to get on his good side so you can get in that Conn-Pod, aren't you?” Mako's eyes narrow and Chuck still sees red through his minor victory. “Guess both of us are a little too deep in our own feelings.”

“Don't you _dare_ ,” she snarls and forces him back into the wall, a finger threatening to stab up his nostril. “Do _not_ pretend like I was not just as angry as you. Do not erase me, _do not_ act like your little _crush_ means yours feelings are more important than anyone else's.”

“Then _get out of_ your feelings,” he snarls back as the door to LOCCENT swings shut. The fact that it's just the two of them gives him the courage to hit low and he bluntly tells her, “Because I'm not the only one with a little _crush_ here, am I? Crushing on the prodigal son isn't going to swing in your favor, anyway. Nothing ever does, after all.”

Mako's eyes narrow so hard it must hurt, but nearly as much as the shiner and groin kick she gives him before she's storming off to find her father and finish up her bullshit assessments. Chuck doesn't feel victorious anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took waaaaay too long and I apologize. I kept starting chapters for this & Never Knew and just hated them both but now I'm kind of not?
> 
> I also still like the idea that Mako and Chuck both harbor their own crushed for different reasons: Mako was expecting something completely different to be delivered and Raleigh is kind of melting her heart, but she's a smart cookie. Chuck's just being a bitter little dillhole, which would've been good to put on his resume if he hadn't done like a tomato thrown at the wall.
> 
> Kind of a Chuck POV, but I deliberately avoided any of the slang he'd use because I'm a butt and couldn't find any to suit the mood. Phooey.


End file.
